im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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