if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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