Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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