this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
