I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
