I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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