I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
