If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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