i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
