we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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