I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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