I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
