Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
