i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There r osticjed everywhere
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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