is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
