just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
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