All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
