All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
