Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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