We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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