i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
