you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
