had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
