I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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