he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
