I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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