shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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