that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
