And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
