so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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