nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
