I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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