if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
my nose is crying tears of wow.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
