The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
