the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
