i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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