I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
