there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
