This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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