put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
