seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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