Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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