It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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