Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
