I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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