Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
