today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
