Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
