My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
