you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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