i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
she pinky promised me she was 18
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
