Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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