I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
