So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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