I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
